"I love the sense of satisfaction that I get when I’ve done a swimming workout or race, and know that I gave my whole being and heart to God in every moment of the swim. It’s the best worship I can offer him."
Between the lines
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Victoria Pendleton, London, Harper Collins, 2012. ISBN 978-0-00-732752-2
Victoria Pendleton’s co-writer, Donald McRae said that his first impression of Pendleton was that she was “extraordinarily honest, brave and interesting”. The book confirms that this is a fair assessment of her. The book goes much deeper than the typical sports autobiography, giving fascinating insights into the life of an elite sportswomen as well as revealing a great deal about her own struggles and triumphs.
Right at the beginning of the book we encounter Victoria as a young teenager battling up a step hill on her bike, trying desperately to keep in sight of her uncompromising father who cuts her no slack. A recurring theme of her youth is her struggle to please her father and receive any affirmation from him. Yet when she wins Olympic titles and World Championships, she dedicates them to the memory of those days: “Nights like these made all our unforgiving Sunday morning rides on the roads of Bedfordshire seem worth it…Dad had made me the cyclist I had been in the keirin”.
You might expect a multiple champion to be exude self-belief and self confidence: not Vicky! “Normally, I’m a seething tangle of doubt and insecurity. I question myself, and my ability, every pedal of the way”. Even winning did not bring her peace and happiness: “On the outside, I smiled and blinked, waved and looked up to the heavens. It was different inside me. A dense and heavy fog clouded my mind; and my body felt drained. I hardly felt anything. Questions like ‘Is this it?’ and ‘What now?’ did not even dent the deadened incomprehension…My glazed emptiness could be excused as disbelief or ecstasy I just knew it was not meant to feel this way”.
Elsewhere she says that she had “had fallen into the sport by chance”. In contrast to the typical athlete who loves competition and is bored by the training, day in day out, Pendleton writes that she would happily just train and never compete. She uses phrases like “sick of racing… tired of the nerves and the stress” to explain why. One of her best kept secrets is how close she came to quitting before the London Olympics.
A compelling aspect of the book is the honesty with which she reveals her personal life and how it impacted her professional life. There is her relationship with Scott Gardner, who had to leave his job with British Cycling, as it was felt to be unprofessional for two members of the team to be romantically involved. Even after her 2012 gold medal she still felt Shane Sutton [head coach at British Cycling] “still appeared to be seething with both Scott and me”. Also her father’s affair and divorce from her mother.
The book is worth the price alone for the account of her rivalry with Anna Meares. The rivalry is summed up in this passage about their final race against each other: “I looked across at Anna and smiled. She nodded and smiled back at me. We were two champion fighters saying goodbye. We had been serious rivals, and contrasting riders, but I had never hated Anna. I just wanted to beat her cleanly every time. And she wanted to win just as much as I did. As silence finally settled over us I reflected how much we had needed each other. I doubted I would have achieved so much if I had not had her pushing me every time. I hoped Anna would say the same”.
Her final epitaph on British Cycling is a sad one. Commenting that neither of her coaches, Jan van Eijden or lain Dyer had said goodbye to her after the 2012 Olympics, she added: “Our last four years at the velodrome had been painful for each of us, So maybe three gold medals, or even two, as lovely as they’d have been at the end of London 2012, would have provided too illusory an end to my bruising history at British Cycling”.
She describes how as a teenager she prayed every night “my hands clasped together neatly and a list of requests falling politely from my mouth – as I asked Jesus to help Alex get better and to look after Mummy, Daddy, Nicola, Nanna, Granddad and me”. She attended church with her big sister – an ordinary Church of England church and later a happy-clappy Baptist church. While her teenage faith did not last. She mentions praying at London 2012: “‘God, please let me get on Jess’s wheel. Please…”
An outstanding book – even if it does shatter some of the myths of Team GB being just one happy family.